Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you traded sex for a burrito?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
