Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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