The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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