What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize