Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
