swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
