So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
