After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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