a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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