This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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