i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
