i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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