I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
