so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
