Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
