Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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