My friends, they love my intelligence
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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