I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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