how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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