I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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