when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
