New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't deserve a penis
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
