Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
