i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
