dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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