I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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