I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
