I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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