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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
