I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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