Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
