I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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