Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
