I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
