I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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