woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
