Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
