the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize