Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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