Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
