Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
