this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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