barbara walters just said penis...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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