Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
