I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
