My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
