when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
