final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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