last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
