Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
