Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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