nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
