Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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