Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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