I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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