I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
