I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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