I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
