I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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