I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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