So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
