The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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