That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
